SELF-HELP EXERCISES
Thread 1 – Assertiveness: Learning to Say “No”

INTRODUCTION

When you are interacting with others, sometimes you might notice that you say “Yes” and then wish you had said “No.” Somehow, you learned that it is not ok to say “No” when someone asks you to do something, even if you don’t think the request is reasonable. Here is a series of activities to help you develop your very human right to express your feelings and to take better control over your own life.

There are seven exercises in this thread. Read the first section and give yourself several days to take it in and to try the suggested exercise before going onto the next section. Rushing through is like skipping over from A to Z in the alphabet and then wondering why it’s difficult to spell anything.

1. What Messages Did I Learn About Expressing My Feelings?

What early messages did I receive about feelings and expression of them? For example:

• in my house, children to be "seen but not heard”
• I expected to "go to your room and don't come out until you're smiling"
• I was told, "Don't cry or I'll give you something to REALLY cry about"
• I was told to "Stop being selfish - think about other people's feelings"
• what other messages did I receive about expressing my feelings?

How are these messages still affecting me as an adult? For example:

• is it difficult for me to express certain feelings?
• do I even know what I am feeling?
• am I afraid that others will laugh at my opinions?
• do I feel I really don't deserve to get my needs met?
• do I feel I should not say “No” to the requests or demands of others?
  
  

2. Noticing When I’d Like To Say “No”

Think about this during the coming week: Are there times when I do things I'd really rather not do, if I didn't feel I had to? For example:

• would I rather stay in bed than get up?
• would I prefer to go shopping instead of going to work?
• do I wish I could reject some of the papers or assignments that show up on my desk during the day?
• do people ask me to do things that I really don't want to do, but I feel I must do anyway?
• do I take care of problems that I think someone else ought to handle?

Without changing anything on the outside, this week notice the times when you'd really rather say "No." Say it to yourself, but then go ahead and do exactly as you would usually do. The idea is just to begin to get a sense of how many times a day you do things you feel you have to do, but really don't want to do. Also, notice what kinds of things these are - work, family, friends, etc. Be sure to include the things you should do but keep putting off (income tax, phone calls, letters, cleaning, etc.).

3. Saying "No" Experimentally

Now that you've noticed that there are many times when you do things you feel pressured or obligated to do, try this experiment:

1. Find at least one person you feel might be willing to let you "play a game," to practice saying "No."
2. Ask that person if s/he would let you try something new this week, "just for fun."
3. Have the person ask you at various times to do things, either things s/he would actually have asked you anyway, or to make something up.
4. Whenever you are asked, no matter how reasonable the request, the first answer you give will be "NO."
5. Notice how it feels to do this.
6. Then remind the other person that you are just kidding.
7. Find out if the request was real, and then go ahead and respond as you ordinarily would.

If you are sure you cannot find someone to play this game, try playing it in your head. But it would be much better to have a “live” partner for the experiment – your kids, the neighbor, or even the mail carrier!

4. Say "No" For Real

Last week you tried "saying no" as a game or experiment. This week, let's get a little more real. Whenever someone asks you to do something, think about it – consider how it feels, and decide whether you do or do not want to do it.

If you really feel like you do not want to do whatever you were asked, and if the circumstances at all allow it, do the following:

1. To stall for time, to gather your thoughts, DO NOT say yes to something right away. Instead, say:
   
   • “I need more information about that,” or
   • “I’m not sure if I can do that or not – please tell me more so I can decide,” or
   • “If you really need an answer right this second, it has to be “No.”
   
   
2. If you really do not want to do it, say so.
3. Explain the problem you have with the request.
4. Find out if there is some other way the request can be handled.
5. See if both you and the other person can be satisfied with the outcome.

For example, suppose your supervisor asks you to do something right in the middle of another pressing task. Instead of just taking it on and seething, try saying something like this:

I don't know if you were aware that I am running against a deadline on this other project, and I really don't have the time to take on another task right now. Can it be done later, or maybe tomorrow? Is there someone else who can do it? Is there a deadline for when it has to be done?

Sometimes we end up doing more than we want to do, merely because we never refuse to do what we are asked. But often, the job isn't really essential, or can be delayed or handled some other way. Sometimes it doesn’t really need to be done at all! Find out why you are being asked, and make your limitations known.

5. Would You Please . . .

The flip side of people asking you for something would be you asking someone else. Some of us have a difficult time asking for help or favors, because we're afraid of the possible "no," which we experience as rejection of US, not just of our request. But think of it this way: imagine you are going to the market and the product you want is not available. Do you take this as a personal rejection of you that your request for that particular brand of corn is not met? If you really want the product, you just go down the street to another market, or you come back next week when the new stock has been delivered.

Think of something you can request, preferably something that could be provided by more than one person. Ask someone if s/he would be willing to give you what you are asking. For example:

• perhaps someone else could pick up the carpool one day or swap days with you
• maybe someone could handle a particular memo
• how about asking someone to loan you some money until tomorrow.

Remember that people sometimes say "no" for reasons of their own that have nothing to do with you, so if you do get “No” for an answer, don't take it personally - they haven't TAKEN anything from you by not GIVING you what you asked. Just keep asking different people until your request is filled. Notice how your body feels and what your mind says as you ask and as you hear the responses.

6. Are You a Mind Reader?

As you may have noticed, there are times when you wish someone else would just know what it is you want without your having to ask -- and then would DO it! Other people do this to you, as well. But it really isn't fair in either direction. It would be better if we could all ask for what we want, directly, and not expect others to be mind readers.

So this week, whenever you think someone wants you to "read his/her mind," don't try to guess what the person wants - ask. For example:

• If your mother flops down on a warm day and says, "Boy, it certainly is hot," even if you are SURE she wants you to bring her some water, get her to ask you for what she wants – or at least ask her if that is what she wants, without just presuming.
  
• If your friend looks at you wistfully and says she wishes she had someone to help her shop for a dress, get her to ask you directly, if you think she wants you to go.

Don't let other people put you in the position of mind reading. And then decide whether you're willing to do what you've been asked.

7. Going for a Win-Win

Many of our conflicts with other people revolve around a belief that someone must lose in order for someone else to win. And for those who like to please other people and try to avoid conflict by doing as the other person wants, guess who ends up feeling like the "loser?" The next time you have a conflict or problem with another person, try approaching it in a different way:

1. First, define the problem - what is it that the other person wants? What is it that YOU want?
2. If your wants do not fulfill the other person's, see if there is another solution to the problem:

• does this have to be done by you?
• does it have to be done now?
• could it wait until tomorrow?
• does it have to be done at all, or is it just someone else's wishes?
• is there some way in which both your needs and the other person's requests can be accommodated?

Remember that sometimes the demands or requests of others are temporal, not really urgent, and may even be forgotten in a while. Some requests are more important, but even then, it is usually possible to find a way for both people to end up feeling satisfied.

BILL OF ASSERTIVE RIGHTS
Manuel Smith, When I Say No I Feel Guilty, ©1975

• I have the right to judge my own behavior, thoughts, and emotions and to take the responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon myself.
  
  
• I have the right to offer no reason or excuse to justify my behavior.
  
  
• I have the right to judge whether I am responsible for finding solutions to other people's problems.
  
  
• I have the right to change my mind.
  
  
• I have the right to make mistakes and be responsible for them.
  
  
• I have the right to say "I don't know."
  
  
• I have the right to be independent of the goodwill of others before coping with them.
  
  
• I have the right to be illogical in making decisions.
  
  
• I have the right to say "I don't understand."
  
  
• I have the right to say "I don't care."
  
  
• I have the right to say "NO" without feeling guilty.

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